My 7 Step Guide For How To Set Boundaries
If my past relationships with narcissists and toxic people have shown me anything, it is this, failure to have boundaries leads to people walking all over you.
This can lead to so much anxiety and depression later on.
Narcissists love people who have no boundaries. It signals to them that they can get away with a lot of stuff.
They like to test people, like the kidults they are.
Much like a small kid tests his new nanny or maybe a new adult to see what they can get away with, so too are kidult narcissists who test people to see where their boundaries lie.
In this article, I outline my 7 step guide for how to set boundaries for different relationships that I will ultimately have in my life.
I do believe that it is important to learn how to set boundaries so that you can have healthy relationships.
Failure to have boundaries only makes toxic people think they can say and do whatever they want to you with your own life.
My 7 Step Guide For How To Set Boundaries
There are certain things that I look for in relationships. The above is a template for what you can draw inspiration from, BUT you should consider creating your own list.
Now, how I set boundaries and form relationships differs.
For someone to be an associate, they must have 4 out of 7 traits that I look for.
For someone to be a friend, they MUST have 5 out of 7 traits I look for.
And for someone to be a lover/partner/confidant, they MUST have 6 out of 7 traits.
No one will ever have 7 traits because there is no one else in the world like me or like you. That is what makes us unique, and that is what makes us special.
I know for many of us, we have a strong desire to want to find someone exactly like us, or in some cases, find someone who will make us whole.
Both of these ideas, I find a bit naive and childish.
We are not empty. We are who we are.
Our lovers are not meant to fill a void but to help us become an even better version of who we are, and vice versa.
It is no one’s job to come in and save us from a prison of our own creation.
The victim-hood nonsense causes codependency in many people and keeps them stuck in relationships that do not serve them but only the parasitic narcissist.
Relationships are NOT about filling a void but helping us grow, develop, and blossom into a much more perfect version of who we are.
This perfect version does not mean we do not make mistakes (we are only human). It means that we come into a state of thinking where we are entirely confident and accepting of who we are.
This…is what relationships are all about. Learning to be okay with who we are around other people, and they not only accepting that but they, just like us, GROWING from each other presence.
Get rid of this silly idea that relationships are about saving someone because they are not.
They are about INSPIRING ONE ANOTHER.
How To Set Boundaries 4 Things To Be An Associate
I must reiterate, my list is to inspire you; you should have your own things you look for in people.
I will not give you the totality of what I look for, but I will provide you with one or two things I look for in people to form a relationship, so you can get your mind jogging.
And the first thing that I look for, for in any relationship, be that associate, friend, or lover, is…INDIVIDUALITY.
I am an individualist at heart. I abhor collectivism with a passion—that group think, mob mentality, where everyone acts and behaves as sheep is asinine to me.
The inability to think for oneself is nauseating to me, which is perhaps why I have such a visceral annoyance for flying monkeys.
“Think for yourself, you un-evolved idiots.”
They are The Missing Link in our evolution walking around among us today.
I abhor group think, group identity, racial politics, religious nonsense, and gender victim-hood agendas, and so on.
Collectivism, despite its mission, has driven more people apart than has united people together.
So the first thing that I look for in ANY relationship is individuality. For you to be an associate, meaning I say “hi” and am willing to have small conversations with you, you must have some level of being an individual and not a cog in the machine.
This is a MUST for me.
I highly recommend that you have a base trait that you use as your foundation for forming a relationship with others.
This trait must be something that you CAN NEVER see yourself doing without.
As An Associate The Relationship Will Offer:
- Acknowledgement (I will explain more later on)
- Friendly Banter
- A willingness to help them out, IF, my time allows for it
- Some level of respect
How To Set Boundaries 5 Things To Be A Friend
Now friendship is a rarity in life, and I believe that friendship should be rare with every fiber of my being.
We should not be able to walk in the street and make friends with everyone we see on a daily basis.
If everyone were our friends, then the value of what friendship is would diminish.
For example, if diamonds (and diamonds aren’t rare, the market just makes them seem like they are rare; but it is a good example) were as abundant as sand in the desert is, how valuable do you think diamonds would be?Friendship should be rare; it is because of how many [email protected] that are out in the world that makes friendships that much more valuable. Click To Tweet
For me to consider someone a friend, they must have 5 out of the 7 traits.
And they must have this one trait in common for me to consider a close friend…which is Pizza.
But not just any pizza.
If you think pineapple goes on pizza, get away from me.
You are a blasphemer in my eyes, and I look at you with disgust.
Okay, just kidding.
I do use this one question if I meet someone and I am kind of like we can be friends, but if we aren’t, it wouldn’t hurt me.
If they have 3 things I like and 3 things I don’t look for in people, but I don’t have disgust for them or an attraction for them, this is the question I use to see if I will pursue a relationship (associate relationship).
Hey, don’t judge me. You can tell a lot by a person taste.
Pineapple on pizza…why is that even a THING????
(BTW! I am joking with the attacks, but really. Pineapple on pizza. Really? REALLY?? Anyone who likes pineapple on pizza, please tell me why that makes sense.)
As A Friend The Relationship Will Offer:
- Care and Love (Welfare checks on each other to see how we are FEELING and doing is part of the package)
- Confiding in one another when we are felling low and need advice
- Time (I have no problem spending time with you because your presence is my present)
- Laughs, Joys, Happiness, Good Experiences
- Support (If they need help, I will sacrifice or give up my time to help them. NOT because I HAVE TO, but because I WANT TO)
How To Set Boundaries 6 Things To Be A Lover
If finding a friend is like finding diamonds, then finding a lover in this cruel, nasty, and crazy world is like catching a Hail Mary pass while getting struck by lighting and not having any kind of harm come to you while simultaneously winning the lottery ticket and getting a Superbowl ring on Friday the 13th!
Love is that rare to find and earn.
And that is not a bad thing.
Or at least, it is not a bad thing when you have boundaries and KNOW what it is that you are looking for.
So many of us who have been with narcissist partners were/are SO HUNGRY for love that we put up with so much toxic garbage and did so for so long.
Our lover/partner is NOT our savior. They are our inspiration, our heroes, our reason for wanting to keep improving who we are.
They are not our better half, but a reflection of all that we admire in ourselves and in other people.
They have their flaws, shortcomings, and errs, but so do we, and we see them not to exploit but to keep us mindful that we can always get better and become better.
They are not just our lovers; they are everything we can be, and together we become that.
As A Lover The Relationship Will Offer:
- Absolute Love
- A Certainty That I Will Always Be There and Vice Versa
- Guidance (Whenever I may get lost in this crazy world we live in, they and I will remind each other of our path. They/I are a source of light, when we get lost in the darkness of life’s cold seasons)
- My Dreams
- My Goals
- My Desires
- My Yearnings
- My Strengths
- My Weaknesses
- My Love
- My Heart
- My Past
- My Present
- My Future
To this person, they get almost ALL that I am, and vice versa, and I give it to them NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO, but because I WANT TO.
To these people, they MUST have 6 out of 7 traits; otherwise…well, we all know how narcissistic toxic relationships end.
What If They Have No Traits
If a person has none of these traits, then they are to you what they were 10 years ago before you even met them.
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